I can't decide (or remember) if I have always been like this, or if this state of affairs is yet another symptom of my advancing years.
Time is becoming problematic, far too much of it is spent second guessing. Wouldn't life be more efficient if all deliberation could be removed? Easier to pick a Winkle out of it's shell with a pin, I hear you say. But I am heartily sick of wondering which item to buy, which programme to watch, whether to cut my hair, the list is endless.
My food mixer gave up the ghost last week and I have been looking for a new one. There are absolutely millions to choose from!
Added to my inability to choose anything, is the sure and certain knowledge that which ever one I pick, it will be the wrong one. Always is. I never get anything right on the first try.
Which brings me neatly to an idea I had the other day. Could life be more like plotting a book?
Now, I know that most writers do not believe in plotting Their characters seem to do most of the hard work for them, (I have experienced a little of that, and wish it happened all the time) but other writers firmly believe in careful plotting, even a story board.
Now, I am still virtually new to this writing business and I tried plotting... you guessed it all ready, I can't do that either! I could hardly improve my life that way. All these decisions, so what to do about them.
Then I remembered something. (it does happen sometimes!) I once read about a man who always made every decision with the turn of a dice, and apparently his life was glorious. Maybe it was worth a try...
They say there are 'two sides to every story' and 'everything happens for a reason', but what if neither of these things are true? What if it is as simple as right or wrong?
Could it be that when life gets too difficult, we are simply trying to force wrong into being right?
I got to thinking back through my life and all the different choices that had to be made. To that small, persistent voice that nags you, insisting you do this or that. How many times had I ignored it, thinking my own choice was better, usually for all manner of reasons. Would my life have been better if I had obeyed that still, small voice? If I had not always chosen the path of least resistance, the path that always looked inevitable. Maybe the choice that looked the hardest, the most impossible would have turned out better than what actually happened?
Maybe then I wouldn't have so many things to be sorry for, so many people I should apologise to.
If there is such a thing as reincarnation and I get another chance to live a better life, I hope I remember some of the things I have done wrong, some of the people I have hurt, and do it better next time.
Because this website is published out there in the ether of hyperspace, I want to formally apologise for all my mistakes, to say that I am truly sorry. I can honestly say that I did not know what I was doing most of the time, and if I do get the chance to do it all over again, I hope to do a better job of it, for all our sakes!
God Bless and see you all next week...